[Self Discovery] Eliminating Toxic Relationships From Your Life

June 8, 2014June 7, 2014Leave a comment

By default of my personality I’ve always placed an increased emphasis on my external relationships; often times, according to my mother, much more than is necessary. As I reached elementary school, I could pick up on body language and unspoken emotional change and by 5th grade, I’d accumulated so much stress and anxiety that I developed an ulcer. Not to mention, by the time I was in high school, my mom could accurately pinpoint when a friend of mine was going through a personal issue because I’d physically embody their pain and get sick.

In my early 20’s, I discovered that – like many of my new friends – I was an empath. Don’t get it twisted: these are things that effect everybody, empaths just feel them more; where others simply abide by a ‘Captain Save a Ho’ or ‘Mother Theresa’ complex. Relationships to our community, our family, our friends and most importantly ourselves define us within the macrocosm of the world and microcosm of our minds. Without taking an honest personal inventory of your own behavior and the traits in others that you’ll stand for, you might fall into a situation that’s not only toxic, but difficult to get out of. To her credit, my mother was – and still is – absolutely correct. Not to say there isn’t an inherent value to those interactions, but what I hadn’t done was take a personal inventory of the traits I valued in my relationships, including the one with myself.

What my mom taught me as a strong, intelligent single mother was that the most prudent, important, passionate relationship you should be in is with yourself. So if your relationship with yourself is toxic, you’ll be inviting more and more toxic energy and personalities into your life. Plus, the human body is surrounded by an ‘invisible’ field, manufactured from the copious amount of electromagnetic energy emitted by your heart – and that energy field can shift depending on your mood. The energy you radiate out into the world reflect back on you through your relationships, and a toxic relationship can very well have a negative impact on your life. A continual one, if you let it.

Toxic behavior is two-fold: first, someone has to engage in it – and secondly, someone has to be around to receive and internalize it. By choosing to engage in toxic behavior – you’re enabling the other party to continue to behave destructively and silently approving their behavior, towards you – and everyone else. The definition of ‘insanity’ is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results; and some could argue that being in a toxic relationship is insanity in it’s purest form. Whether it’s constant low jabs at your personality traits, quirky afflictions, friends or your romantic relationships, unnecessarily rude commentary or a refusal to accept responsibility for their behavior – toxic relationships come in all shapes and sizes. The good news is that they all have the same cure: taking a step back and reconsidering where you stand within your own world, where you’re going and who you want by your side when you get there. Do the toxic person and relationship fit in conjunction with that?

For me, it all comes down to one simple definition – what it means to be a friend. Over the course of my almost 30 years, that’s changed….a lot. Make a list, make a few even – goals, dreams, the great qualities your closest friends all share and the type of people that you’d like in your life. When I was in Middle School, it was someone who wouldn’t look at me as freakishly tall (I was 5’11 in 6th grade); in high school, it was someone who shared my taste in music. Sometimes, friendships are formed in much deeper, darker places. Back at the end of high school, then again in a similar fashion two years ago, I was going through a downturn – I lacked confidence and emitted insecurity, but I was still partying and trying to form new, formidable friendships. What I failed to understand was that all I was going to find were relationships that were a projection of my emotional state. Too often, instead of taking an honest look at ourselves, it’s easier to externally project our insecurities in various ways; destructive behavior and destructive relationships being two of them.

As time went on, I crawled out of the hole I dug for myself – but still, in vain, thought all of the friendships I made at the time could be maintained. I accepted partial blame for relationship fails and mishaps – and having a penchant for the past, I would get nostalgic about all the great things about them and fun we had together. I have to remember, over and over again, that neither of us are who we once were, which can turn nostalgia into a real life nightmare if you don’t nip it in the bud. You can cherish memories, but they’re just as well kept in a box in your closet to pull out every now and again when you feel like being reminded about all the crazy stories, memories and people that have molded you into the fantastic individual that you are. If you continue to live in the past, you’re refusing to live in the present – which is a beautiful place to be.

An unfortunate truth, is that if there’s a toxic relationship in your life, you’re just as culpable for it as they are if you’re not willing to confront the situation and do something about it. Some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten, that I remind myself of all the time is that ‘you don’t have to like everyone, and not everyone has to like you.‘

Understanding that a friendship is a two way street, there are always two ways to fix it – changing your behavior, or trying to change theirs. That said, only one of those is actually up to you, so it’s time to make an important decision: do you want this person in your life? Do you, honestly, wholeheartedly, positively, absolutely without a doubt want this person to bear witness to your most intimate moments and are you willing to be around for theirs? Just to put it out there – if this is even debatable, you might want to lean towards a solid ‘No’ – but we can get to that later. Remember, this isn’t about them – it’s about you, and what you need in your life have the best version of today and build a better tomorrow.

If your answer is yes – if you think there’s a capacity for change and you want to actively fix the relationship, step one is fixing your approach to it. Is your friend dependable yet leaves snide comments? Acknowledge what they both can do, and not do, for you. If you need help moving, I’m sure they’d rock but if you want an opinion on your next career move, you might want to take theirs with a grain of salt. Do you plan your departure before your arrival? Does their name showing up on your caller ID make you anxious? Communicate with them less; they’ll get the picture. Establish boundaries, set time limits on hanging out, don’t be afraid to tell them ‘No and last but certainly not least – stand up for yourself, explaining how it feels when they bring negativity in, or shut you down.

However, if your answer is a solid ‘No’ – it’s time remove this person from your life. A month, a season, five years or indefinitely – that’s a personal decision; but from my experience, if you have the slightest inkling that it’s time to break ties, do it for good. Moving on doesn’t make you a bad person, and not being able to reconcile a relationship doesn’t speak to a personal pitfall – it says that you were strong enough to let go. Draw up a pro vs con list, write a letter – maybe even send it if it helps your mental state.

Just because you move on from them, doesn’t mean you don’t value them – it just means you value your life, your time and your self more. Don’t be snide, take to social media or engage them with negative behavior – putting energy, positive or negative, into a relationship is a sign you’re not actually ready to break your bond. From personal experience, I’ve found that completely detaching from the person – putting distance, both physical and emotional, between the two of you ensures that the relationship has time to fizzle out instead of simply being on hiatus. Don’t purge your feelings about this person as word vomit to anyone who will listen – just because you’ve had an epiphany about a person, doesn’t make it another person’s truth. One persons toxic relationship could very well be someone else’s best friend under different circumstances, guidelines or frames of mind.

At a time where social media reinforces the idea of quantity means far more than quality, and a Facebook or Instagram like is coveted more often than a smile – it’s time to re-evaluate the breadth of our social circles. In the past week, I’ve deleted over 300 people from Facebook, 70+ from Instagram and unfollowed about 100 from Twitter. If you’re anything like me, you’re a social butterfly that manifested into a social media whore (and I say that so lovingly) – and you’re constantly bombarded with social ‘stats’. Your number of “friends“, “followers” and “likes” all reinforce the erroneous idea of quantity over quality.

Take the social networking site Path. Unlike Facebook, which caps users at 5000 (seriously, name 5000 people you know personally without looking at a computer; probably can’t do it) – Path caps users at 150. 150 – that’s Dunbar’s Number; it’s the supposed cognitive maximum limit of the number of functioning social relationships that one can maintain and it appears over and over across human society. The smallest group, three to five people, is a “clique“; think of them as your intimate support system. From 12 to 20 is the “sympathy group“: people you feel especially tied to. 30 to 50 is the typical size of hunter-gatherer overnight camps, generally drawn from the same pool of 150. A 500-person group is the “megaband” and at 1,500 you’re a tribe. Fifteen hundred is roughly the number of faces we can put names to, and the typical size of a hunter-gatherer society.

Whether it’s clearing out your phone, your social media accounts or the physical space around you – it’s important to take an inventory of your relationship to the world, and it’s relationship to you. After all is said and done, the honest to goodness best way to eliminate toxic relationships from your life is to prioritize the ones that are equally beneficial, supportive, loving and adoring; and remember, that starts with the relationship to yourself.

[Self Discovery] Give Your Vocabulary an Attitude Adjustment

May 16, 2014May 16, 2014Leave a comment

In our current state, we’re all so immensely interconnected to the world around us – and with advancements in technology, physical connection to one another has manifested into almost entirely verbal or written contact as opposed to non-verbal communication. Whether it’s through the outsourcing of jobs (last year alone, the US outsourced approximately 2.5 million positions abroad), the high number of students pursuing jobs and degrees overseas, or simply the number of combined online users at any given moment, we’re all establishing, forging, solidifying, quantifying and manifesting relationships with peers, mentors, friends, family, a love interest, pets, etc.

The one thing that we all have left to our devices at the end of the day is language: the natural, or – if you’re rather big on the interwebz – maybe not so natural, ebb and flow of conversation, conflict and camaraderie. More than just the words you pick and the order they fall into – language refers to your intonation, and even further to the intention of every single single word you pick; it’s the pitch you use while excited, the rumble you use when agitated and the cadences you manifest when you’re swept off your feet by love. Even though words can manifest into a fairy tale of emotion, at the end of the day – they’re all we’re left with, so it helps to pay attention to your everyday vocabulary.

Between friend incidents, car accidents and a nasty bout of stomach flu – over the past few weeks, I’ve seemingly had a lot thrown in my face – that said, I’ve also been more aware of my relationship to the world around me: physically, emotionally and mentally. I’ve noticed that a lot of that relationship is dictated by something as simple as diction – or word choice. If you want to live a positive life, surround yourself with positive people, positive thoughts and positive mantras; if you’d like a negative one, well – you see where I’m headed. It’s something so simple and so basic, but when you look at the studies that’ve been done on positive thinking, emotion and word choice – they’re so telling.

“Everything in Life is Vibration”
– Albert Einstein

Through quantum physics, the vibrations of the natural world are revealed; they energetically complex as physical actions and as inherently simple as a single word. But, as experiments have proven – even words have the power to transform you. Whenever we marinate in our negativity – we run the risk of releasing destructive neurochemicals in our brain and just the utterance of the world ‘no‘ can stimulate stress hormones to be released. Back in the early 90’s, Dr Emoto performed a number of experiments on water – you know, that fundamental building block of life that we’re 60% comprised of – and the results are astounding. He was desperate to understand the physical effect that language and the environment had on the crystalline structure of water molecules once froen. What Dr. Emoto discovered is absolute astounding, yet positively predictable – the structure of molecules that were bathed in positive words were far more beautiful and symmetrical than molecules doused with darker thoughts.

“You make me sick, I will kill you” vs “Love and Appreciation”

(Images: High Existence)

I’ve been guilty of this myself in the past – which is partially why I’m writing this article, but the other reason I’m penning this is I also want to make a difference for my future; and if all it takes is removing a few words from my vocabulary, bring it on. So next time you’re speaking and prepared to mutter any of the following, take a personal inventory and ask yourself what you really mean; and then find a way to spin it in a more positive light!

– No / Not: Any way you spin it, ‘No’ has an absolutely negative connotation. If said with immediacy, ‘No’ can also indicate an unwillingness to consider a new way of thinking – or thinking at all. One thing I’ve done with people that have habitually said ‘No’ to me (e.g. my parents) is give them a while to think about my question / situation / idea before they even need to answer. So, if you’re preparing yourself to say ‘No’ – take a moment and ask yourself what you really mean. If you’re declining an invitation – try “Thank you, I have other plans”

– Should: Like Nike says – Just DO it! Should implies that there’s something – mentally, physically, emotionally – restraining you from wanting to do it; so if you’re not feeling into it – take a personal inventory and figure out your ‘Why’ before it’s too late. Also, for some reason ‘Should’ is usually followed by….

– But: More often than not, whatever follows the word ‘But’ never seems to go well; instead, just use ‘and’

– Can’t: You can do pretty much anything you put your mind to, so the second you tell either yourself or someone else that you ‘Can’t‘ you’re imposing limits on your own reality. Instead of saying ‘Can’t’ – say what you’re really meaning: Right now isn’t a good time – or – I’m tired, I will once I get some rest – or – Tomorrow would be better for me.

-Maybe: It’s like ‘Try’ and ‘No’ had an illegitimate child, and everyone is babysitting it. How many times have we heard someone say ‘Maybe’ and seriously wished they could stop being so indecisive and pick an option. ‘Maybe’ is doubtful and incredibly passive, instead – become an active participant in your life and start saying ‘Yes’; you never know where it could take you.

– Hope: Hope is wishful, lustful…and often fleeting. It looks towards the future in a passive – almost lackadaisical fashion instead of taking the bull by the horns and actively going out and doing something about your future.

-Problem: Let’s face facts for a second, shall we – none of us really experience daily problems. There are situations, challenges, inconveniences and unexpected issues along the roads of life but having a “problem” imposes a “problematic state of mind” that can can become a negative feedback cycle instead of actually helping you move forward. So, next time you think you have a “problem”, instead realize there’s a solution out there that can’t wait for you to discover it.

If you’re in a new location and aren’t sure which direction to go, just act boldly like you’re supposed to be there and you’ll find your way in no time. If you go into a stressful situation with a ‘Fake it Til You Make It’ attitude, you’ll notice that sooner or later – you’re making it. And if your mind is spiraling downwards, don’t tell yourself “No, I have a problem” or “Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow…” – get up, get out and get living. Just one step in a positive direction can completely alter your current trajectory.

So, tell me – are there any other words we should remove from our everyday lexicon?

“We are what we pretend to be,
so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”
― Kurt Vonnegut

[Self Discovery] The Best Advice I’ve Ever Gotten

May 5, 2014May 6, 2014Leave a comment

When I was younger, my step mom and I would frequently dissect social scenarios and discuss what it meant to simply be. As the child of two incredibly intelligent mathematicians, this was probably one of the most helpful things that she ever did – and, to this day, still does. I call her, sometimes more often than others, for both commentary and brainstorming solutions to the current conundrum, however big or small, I had at hand. Like my natural parents, my step-mother has a strong footing in math and statistics and like my parents – she’s incredibly nurturing, loving and supportive. The main difference being that she’s an empathetic extrovert and a social butterfly, whereas my parents fall more on the introverted side of the spectrum. Simply put, her advice makes sense; it sticks. But why? First, it’s because on an emotional level – we understand each other, and operate relationships in a similar fashion. But on a larger scale – as humans, we tend to not ask questions or seek advice that we couldn’t somehow manifest for ourselves.

Over the years, I’ve collected the advice – sometimes on scrap paper or text messages to myself, other times in journals – and I’ve kept it close to my heart all these years. And not just from her – but from my relatives, friends, teachers, blogs, Reddit threads, basketball coaches, college TA’s….you name it, I took their wise words to heart. I’ve always been told that ‘experience is the hardest teacher, because you get the exam before the lesson‘ but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that living vicariously through the rollercoaster of experiences – ups, downs and in-betweens – of my peers serves me just as well as if it had happened to me. Around the apartment, I have daily mantras scribbled on mirrors and from time to time – I stumble upon them and marinate for a minute to let the words soak in. So, I wanted to share some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten because, let’s face it, from time to time we could all use some.

(1) Anyone chasing a dream is bound to fail once or twice in its pursuit; passion is what picks you back up and urges you to try again.

Success doesn’t happen overnight, it’s a day in and day out struggle with who you are and what you want to achieve.

Let go of any preconceived notion that you should know what you’re doing and learn to live in the moment; after all, life’s about the journey – not the destination.

(2) “Never let your schooling get in the way of your education” – Mark Twain

I’ve learned more about social dynamics and street smarts in the five years I’ve lived in Los Angeles than I had in my previous 24 years. I’ve met people from different and exciting backgrounds and picked their brains on our differences and similarities in our lives. I feel privileged and honored that I have such an awesome variety of people in my life.

(3) What people think about you is none of your business.

(4) Marinate in the splendor that is alone time, it’s a beautiful thing.

I’m an only child, which means I know how to entertain myself – I’ve been doing it my entire life. As much as I love being a social butterfly, at the end of the day there’s absolutely nothing like curling up with my cats, some hot tea and a good book. If you can’t enjoy some self imposed isolation every once in a while, you might actually need to take some you-time to figure out why. Besides, if you don’t want to hang out with yourself – why would anyone else?

(5) There’s no perfect time for anything; but the best time for anything is always now.

(6) The beauty of life is that people fall together; cherish and appreciate them while they’re with you. The tragedy of life is that people fall apart; understand that we all have our unique path to continue on and it’s okay to go down ours alone.

(7) You don’t have to be friends with everyone, and not everyone needs to like you.

I had a problem when I was younger – I had this overzealous urge to be loved and not cause conflict. This made me quiet for a while, and this made me hide parts of my personality. Now that I’m older and have the confidence to be myself – I’ve realized that you can be nice to everyone without having to be friends with everyone, and it’s okay if people don’t like you. People don’t need to like you – just so long as they can still treat you with decency and respect.

(8) Never miss an opportunity to shut up;better a moment of silence than a lifetime of regret.

(9) “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” Lao Tzu.

More often than not, anxiety gets a hold of me and decides to make an awkward appearance. I’ll think about past grievances and what could’ve been done differently, then I’ll consider ‘every-case-scenario’ for the future and overwhelm myself. What I’m forgetting in those moments is that in the present, everything is okay. The past has come and gone, and the future hasn’t matriculated yet – firmly ground yourself in the present moment and you’ll free your mind

(10) The only expectations you need to live up to are your own.

As always, time is the best teacher and the best advice is something that you give yourself; what are your daily mantras that keep you keepin’ on every day?

(11) Being alone and happy is better than being miserable and in a relationship.

and, last but not least –

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.” — Buddha

[Self Discovery] The 10 Things Great Minds Do For Each Other

April 24, 2014September 14, 20154 Comments

In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
– Albert Schweitzer –

Our twenties is a time of self-exploration and discovery. It’s a rite of passage and mental manifest destiny we’re all forced to come to terms with once we enter “the real world” and figure out what it means to be a contributing member of the community, or on a more global scale – a contributing member of the human race. These are the years that we change jobs, cities, significant others, interests and musical taste as frequently as we change socks. Just like there are laws of physics, there are also laws in the physics of our mentality: external change catalyzes internal change and propagates our growth as individual. We need to remember that it’s not selfish to take an adjustment period to get reacquainted with your life, it’s honest; because if you can’t take a moment’s appreciation for your newly acquired situation – was there really a point?

As we work our way back into the folds of life, back into social circles and bar scenes – you have a unique opportunity to look at things with a fresh perspective. Sometimes, that perspective pulls you out of prior relationships as it pulls you into new ones – and it’s helpful to know what qualities to keep around in a person, and what to avoid. I’ve seen (and read) a heaping dose of articles on toxic friendships lately, and just like a regular friendship – that’s a two way street, too. Whether it’s actively toxic, or passively toxic (read: enabling).For a toxic friendship to persist, both parties have to be engaging in toxic behavior. If you’re an emotional hypochondriac and sit there using those traits as a litmus test, solemnly and discretely analyzing your relationships – you’ll probably think there’s at least one person in your world that’s ‘detrimental to your existence‘. Instead of trying to find the negative, I want to look at the positive; if small minds tear each other down, great minds should build each other up. So, I’ve come up with a little list of qualities that you should both look for in others and manifest in yourself.

The 10 Things Great Minds Do For Each Other

1. Encourage Growth

A good friend not only accepts you for who you are but challenges you to become the person you want to be (not the person that they want you to be) by allowing you to challenge the limits of your comfort zone.

2. Focus on the Positive

Life follows a stereotypical pattern of twists and turns that translate into a sine curve of highs and lows. We need to both celebrate our victories and acknowledge when things aren’t up to par – but unless you’re actively working on improving something in yourself, marinating on the negative isn’t going to get you anywhere but stuck in a negative feedback cycle. And they’re as equally detrimental to ourselves as the people around us. Humans aren’t magnets. Negative doesn’t attract positive; positive attracts positive; you’ll get back from the universe exactly what you put into it.

3. Allow You to be Wrong

As a species, we don’t have all the answers yet – so it’s silly to think that any one individual does, either. We need to allow ourselves to be wrong in the pursuit of what is right – through empirical evidence and healthy, intelligent debate with our peers.

4. Laugh With You, Not at You

First things first, your friends should have a sense of humor. If they don’t, there actually might be something wrong with them and you should probably should just stop talking to them all together. Anyways, I digress. Funny happens all the time and I’ve actually laughed out loud at myself before, but when a friend actively pursues a facet of your life for their enjoyment, it might be time to cut them loose. A good friend can find humor in the moment, but knows how to let it go and not project the humor onto you.

5. Emotionally Supportive

When life turns sour, it helps having people around that bring over vodka when all you have are lemons. But, depending on the situation – some friends might become Negative Nancy and have nothing nice to say, a few will turn the conversation to their life and their problems (which of course, still matter – but this isn’t the time or place for it) and others will simply dip out of your life. The positive influences in your life will find a way to give – whether its their ear, a shoulder to cry on or a couch to sleep on and silence is golden, especially when someone is at their most vulnerable.

–

6. Give Space When Necessary

When Galileo discovered that there was a flaw in the geocentric model, there was an uproar. Sometimes, when people come to the realization that the world is about more than just them, they react the same way. Everyone has a personal universe to deal with that we simply can’t know everything about.it. We have to learn to respect boundaries and allow the people in our lives to cultivate their own worlds.

7. Brainstorm Solutions

One of the greatest things about having a group of peers is that you get to constantly crowdsource solutions. Is your boss being too hard on you? How do you train for a marathon? Should you move to a new city? These are all things we deal with in our life and we should feel confident that we can reach out to the people in our lives in search of our own answers. A good friend will engage you and play devil’s advocate to get down to the root of your question.

8. Constructive Criticism

It’s okay to have an standpoint on a person, and often there’s a time and place to voice it – but unless you can find a proactive way to express it, you should probably keep it to yourself. If you’re forming a negative opinion on someone’s life, make sure it’s not a mirror that you’re holding to your own. Instead, take a step back from the friendship and really examine what’s bothering you.

9. Value Time

Time is valuable, and other people’s time – doubly so. A good friend understands that everyone has their own time table and own rate of life, we simply don’t all move at the same pace in life. So, when it comes to hanging out and getting together – they’ll let you know when they’re running late and are conscious that your time matters, too.

10. Inspire Greatness

We’re all made of stardust, and I truly believe that within each of us – there’s something amazing. When a beautiful soul meets another, they burn brighter together – just like when two candles meet. They listen to your ambitions, goals and lofty visions. Instead of diminishing you, or them, they’ll encourage you to chase down your dreams and convert them to reality.

I hope you guys all have friends in your life like this, because I know I do.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art….
It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
– C.S. Lewis –

[Self-Discovery] My ’30 Before 30′ Bucket List

January 12, 2014December 2, 20141 Comment

Ever since I turned 29 in December, my head’s been swimming with ways to make the last year of my 20’s a fabulous one. I woke up with the urge to challenge my personal growth last week, and I realized that a ’30 before 30′ bucket list was the perfect way to approach the big 2-9. Sure, maybe it’s a little late and overly ambitious to accomplish 30 things in about 48 weeks, but I’ve always been a better performer under pressure and after the ‘7 Life Resolutions‘ I started living by last year, I know I’m up for the challenge. While compiling this list, I’ve had a handful of ah-ha moments and tiny epiphanies – the first being this: personal goals shouldn’t be tied to anyone else’s existence. Instead, these goals should further your sense of self and individual happiness. After all – how can you successfully contribute to your community, or to a relationship, if you haven’t proven that you can contribute to your own growth? And on the flip-side, don’t believe that growth is a unidirectional endeavor; growth is perpetually infinite and occurs in 360°. In the years after college, there was such a rush to pursue a corporate career that the idea of evolving creatively, or in the kitchen, or spiritually, had fallen by the wayside. Like my parents always said when I was a kid – there’s simply no way to do everything, but like I’ve always believed, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. I can’t wait to incorporating these milestones into my year and become the best version of myself; I know my spirit, my mind and my body will grow in ways I never thought possible.

Read sheet music
Make potstickers
Travel outside of the US
Get published in the Huffington Post
Learn how to ride a bicycle
Get a new tattoo
Pickle my own vegetables
See the Grand Canyon (Saw Zion + Bryce, though!
Have a ‘make-your-own-sushi’ date night
Walk the Golden Gate Bridge
Maintain + use an herb garden
Develop a dedicated Yoga + Meditation Practice
Read at least a book a month
Go camping under the stars
Learn French
Buy a stranger’s meal
Cancel Cable for a Month
Shoot a Gun
Organize my iTunes Library
Do the splits
Watch a Meteor Shower
Host a dinner party
Make Candles
Crochet a blanket
Road Trip to Oregon
Find the perfect shade of lipstick
Visit every museum in LA
Be an extra in a Movie / TV Show
Learn to use a DSLR Camera
Find new hikes

[Self Discovery] The 7 Questions That Tell You Who You Are

December 10, 2013Leave a comment

Slowly but surely, Self Discovery has become one of my favorite topics to blog about; as a writer, I feel like I’m on a perpetual quest to fully understand myself – whether its through past actions, interpolations of my psyche or concerning my dreams, I’m 110% invested in becoming a better person.

For the duration of 2013, my life has invoked the theme of change – and when I compare the woman I’ve become to the young girl that I used to be, I notice a world of a difference. To boot, over Thanksgiving my family has more than confirmed this. And now, with the combined forces of my birthday last weekend and turning 30 next year, it’s only right that I decide on my direction.

When I was younger, I had this idea that we should all be able to be like trees – plant roots, divvy up your strengths between the branches, water yourself with knowledge and subsequently watch each and every facet of our live thrive at once. But, the older I become the more I’ve been made aware that we need paths and purpose – we’re less like trees and more like flowers. When roses are plucked for a bouquet, you don’t uproot the whole bush and you don’t take every flower: you go to the healthiest, most beautiful bud with the most potential and you cultivate it. That’s life.

One of the issues with figuring out where you’re going is to have a firm grasp on where you currently stand and in my opinion, this is one of the best emotional inventory’s around. I have these ideas and dreams for where I’m going with my life, and this survey is at the cornerstone of it all. So enjoy, then delve into your own mind – you never know what answers you’ll give yourself!

1. What would you do with your life if you didn’t have to pay the bills?

There are so many things and ideas that rush through my mind with this question that I wanted to give it some proper time to set in: don’t have to pay the bills? How ideal – how freeing, and how incredibly wonderful! I’d spend my mornings writing and spilling feelings from my fingers. My deepest thoughts, my musings on life, the latest and greatest in the music industry, etc – and I’d share them with the world, forging connections and engaging the community at the same time. With the new-found love of DIY projects that I’ve developed, having all that free time would give me a chance to dive deeper into them, and give me time to develop a non-profit that specializes in animal assisted therapy and focuses on mental health awareness. And my nights – oh, my nights – they’d be spent in the middle of a crowded dance floor surrounded by friends and amazing music.

At the end of the day, the one thing that keeps me going is my love of writing and the way music makes my brain, body and soul melt into the moment. My current gig with The DJ List might not pay my salary, but it gives me something to look forward to and puts my hand directly in the EDM cookie jar, so to speak. As much as my job at Disney is rewarding, it’s equally frustrating – but it gives me the chance to excel at a hobby and I’m so damn grateful that I’ve had the chance to cultivate both opportunities.

2. What cuts you the deepest?

Dishonesty; I would much rather be forced to swallow the hard truth than be misled by an appeasing lie. Cruel people; life is difficult for all of us, why make it more difficult because you’d rather project your life’s insecurities – emotionally or physically – on others instead of dealing with them in your own personal time. None of us have as much time on the planet as we would like to do the things we want to do, so make life enjoyable for those around you – either by contributing something positive, or simply by leaving them alone.

3. If you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?

I’d wake up at the crack of dawn and watch the sunrise from the Mulholland / Hollywood Bowl Overlook and while the sun scattered rays over the city, I’d be penning letters to my family and friends, remind them how beautiful an opportunity life is and how mine was transformed by each of them. After I mailed the letters, I’d head over to Venice Beach and gallivant through the menagerie of weirdness that it offers – then it’s off to the airport to head to Vegas, because I love the lights and culture of the city. I’d go to one last amazing show at Light, dance, dance, dance to my heart’s desire – then it’s back to the airport. I’d book a first class flight for my closest friends and I to go to Japan, immerse ourselves in culture and gorge to our delight in sushi, my last bite to eat would be blowfish – but I wouldn’t eat it there. I’d take it under a cherry blossom tree, curl up in the warmth of my memories – and slip away with a smile.

4. Who do you love and why do you love them?

Being human is amazing, not only because we contain a sense of self – but because that sense of self contributes to a sense of well being in others – and that leads to love. Not to say animals, plants, minerals can’t feel love – but when you can’t quantify consciousness, it’s pretty damn difficult to come to any conclusion pertaining to emotional state. Humans, we feel – we connect and forge relationships with vigor. I love my parents because regardless of my mistakes, they support me becoming the person I wish to become and that selfless love is something I will never get from anyone else; I love my step-mother doubly so for that very reason, because she owes me absolutely nothing and gives me everything. I love my cats because they are a constant reminder that life is bigger than just me, they give me unconditional cuddles and affection and warm my world every time I return home. I love my best friends because they allow me to be apologetically myself; and I love my boyfriend because he’s always in my corner, as both my best friend and my love. Last, but definitely not least – I love myself – I’ve learned how to live alone and be alone in a city that can swallow your dreams and spit out your soul; I learned how to love, and lose, and love myself without a downward spiral; and I’ve learned that I can depend on the people around me, because those people from my past don’t dictate who the future brings into my life.

5. What do you quote?

I quote books – movies – authors – lyrics; I live and breathe music and words, especially of the poetic variety, speak to my heart. I quote numbers, figures and statistics because that’s what my brain retains the best. And I quote my friends, because they’re some of the funniest mother fuckers on this beautiful, blue planet.

6. In those rare but life-changing moments, how do you act?

Over the past few years, I’ve had more than one life-changing moment. Each time I do, I become transfixed then transformed; like an anxious caterpillar becoming a beautiful butterfly. I’ve been more than thrilled at my out-of-body response to some momentarily traumatic and stressful situations and have continually come out on top. Thank goodness.

7. What do you think about most?

I spend a lot (maybe, too much) time thinking about what’s next and then, there I am – reminiscing about the past. What’s failed, what could I have done differently, what will I repeat and what will I learn to not repeat? I’m a creature of habit that doesn’t seem to make the same mistakes twice, but even once – for some, is haunting. And often, I feel like I’m haunted by my hindsight and overshadowed by the what-if mentality I carry about my future. I think about the well being of the people in my life that I love; I think about the well being of people I’ve had falling outs with. I think about the family and life that I want for my future self; I consider my current job situation and if that’s truly where my heart is. I wonder what else I could have studied and where else I could be in my life…possibly too much for my own good. I think about weather patterns, mathematical and physical laws, philosophy and astronomy. I’m curious, and as my understanding goes – curiosity killed the cat; it’s all to apparent that I overthink, but hey, at least that makes up for the people that don’t.

[Self Discovery] Let Carl Jung Tap Into Your Subconscious

November 12, 2013November 12, 2013Leave a comment

Leave it to me to be enthralled by online personality tests but come the fuck on, how could you not be. One of the best things about the internet is the infinite amount of information (and misinformation) at your fingertips. Pair that with humanity’s never-ending semi-narcissistic quest to understand yourself and – voila – more personality tests than you could shake a stick at.

As with anything free, you get what you pay for and c’est la vie. That said, online personality tests range from interesting to absolutely ridiculous. For every applicable test from Carl Jung or Sigmund Freud there are no kidding at least a hundred tests that label you with an anime character or your 80’s theme song. Now, nothing against the amusement and entertainment of the ridiculous tests that help you blow off steam and share some laughs – but at the end of the day, my version of self improvement stems from something a little more substantial. Personal growth and self-evolution should be a natural part of life, not something we whimsically run and hide from and only pay attention to when absolutely necessary.

When I was a young, impressionable high school student – one of my best friends approached me with a personalty test that I still use to this day. It’s short, sweet and simple – just the way these personality inventories should be. Little did I know this test came from the mastermind of Jung himself, but it completely makes sense when you consider his background in art and color therapy. Now, I haven’t used it in a very long time so this will be just as fun for me as it will for the rest of you.

This is a great test for a lazy night at home with your significant other, a family vacation or simply a lazy afternoon at the office. Put simply, as humans we’ve sprawled the seas and marched across the world so the last feasible manifest destiny is of the mind – and what better way to get to know the world around you than getting to know yourself just a little bit better? So, whip out a pen and a piece of paper and write down the first thing that comes to mind for each item – then hit the jump to see how you stack up.

1. First, name a color. Any color.
1a.

2. Now think of three words that describe that color.
2a.
2b.
2c.

3. Name an animal. Any animal.
3a.

4. Now think of three words that describe that animal.
4a.
4b.
4c.

5. Name a body of water.
5a.

6. Name three adjectives describing it.
6a.
6b.
6c.

7. Imagine you’re in a room. All the walls are white and there are no windows or doors. In three words, describe how that room feels to you.
7a.
7b.
7c.

Follow the jump once you’re done – then the fun part begins!

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