So far, 2013 has been quite the exhilarating year; one of my life’s motto’s is “Never a dull moment” and so far, it’s been an incredibly accurate one. Sometimes I wonder if I should just take a breather from it all – a stay-cation, a me-cation – just to ensure that my priorities are where they should be and see that my ducks are really in a row, not off having a Harlem Shake-off. But taking a break wouldn’t be very me like in the longrun; I need a way to regain perspective without altering my view – but isn’t that just a paradox within itself? My music collection has been piling up and I easily have over a years worth of music I need to sort, categorize and label – all in due time, of course. This morning my gmail account had over 5000 unread emails; granted, it’s now down to 2893, but still – that’s a shit load of reading and deleting to be done.
The Kitty Bungalow calendar is up to date and all spankin’ pretty, my social life has been in full force lately and Beatnet, the music forum I helped to co-found, is taking off; it’s been an insane whirlwind and I couldn’t ask for anything more – well, except maybe a few hours in the day, but I’m viewing this all as one big learning experience. One thing that I don’t talk about much is the little bit of OCD that I carry around in my back pocket – it doesn’t appear often, just when the world seems like it’s collapsing on itself into a black hole of a moment, but when it does it definitely comes out to awkwardly frolic. It presents itself in various forms, but mostly through something called dermatillomania – it’s basically as unsexy as it sounds but suffice it to say, for a long time it took up most of my time. It’s in no way glamorous, sexy, cute or even remotely attractive – in all honesty, it’s something that I despise about myself; but to love myself is to embrace my everything, even my shortcomings: and this is one of them.
Essentially what this year has been about is filling those voids in space and time where I’d revert back to my old ways – there are always hiccups and moments of insanity: I might dance four steps forward, but sometimes life throws me three steps back. What keeps me from doing that is my future, and knowing – wanting – a better version of myself. I have a habit of emotional hoarding – I keep my feelings, emotions and memories in neatly organized boxes in the back of my mind. I used to think that while I was in my moment, enveloped by numbness and drowning out the sounds of the city, that I was saving myself – that essentially, I could fix myself. Ironically, what I’ve come to realize is that time is truly the only remedy for old wounds: time, space, distance combined together can all give us the power to overcome.
In the days of Kings and Queens I was a jester;
Treat me like a God, or they treat me like a leper.
You see me move back and forth between both:
I’m trying to find a balance,
I’m trying to build a balance