[Oh, Snap] Eagle Rockin’ and Eagle Walkin’ v9

Over the last few days, the air has been vibrant with floral fragrances and the coquettish dancing of birds, bees and butterflies while temperatures have sky rocketed back into the 90s.  No, Summer isn’t quick on our heals and Spring isn’t exactly just around the corner – it’s simply another mid-February heat wave in Los Angeles.  Half my mind is wrapped up in the sheer beauty of nature right now, while the other bemoans the fact we haven’t had a good rain in quite some time.

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The year itself is accelerating at a rapid pace, while a proverbial bullet train of emotions, feelings and thoughts trace geometric patterns in my mind.  I’ve had friendships ebb and flow as trust has been simultaneously instilled in and and removed from those who have one way or another, proven themselves to me.  I refuse to be sad or remorseful over the loss of people in my life – while intentional or not, the lessons that I’ve learned and the mechanisms that have inspired my maturity and growth are tantamount to my self understanding in the same way that the love, support and friendship of others have lifted my spirits.  As with pulsating tidal waves on a brilliant seashore, the push and pull are one in the same and it’s the totality of myself that I’m truly in awe of at this point.  The resilient, bounce back of personality and perseverance of passion – it hasn’t left, instead the flames have been fanned higher.

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[Writer’s Block: Find Your Purpose]

I came into the office this morning with every intention of cracking down, getting my tea fix and doing the good ol’Excel plug-and-chug to get me through the day.  On a personal level, for the last few weeks I’ve been suffering from the strangest writers block. I felt that I didn’t have intention, that I didn’t have a purpose of even an audience.  Then, last night as I was getting into my journal to figure out my personal trajectory for 2014, I found myself thinking ‘What the hell is the point?’  I’ve felt like tapped out, under-performing, uninterested and overwhelmed; all in all, I was my own worst case scenario. My words were lackluster, my thoughts couldn’t be caught or collected with a net outfitted for a killer whale.   My mother warned me about this when I was a kid – this idea of ‘wanting too much’ for myself; of spreading myself too thin and giving 75% to various pursuits when I could choose to give 100% to just a few.  Pick your battles, she told me; but what if you want it all?

On on side of the coin -my paying job has given me one of the most visible accounts, and on the flip side I’ve been upgraded to a Journalist / Editor at The DJ List; add that all together and mix it up, and I’ve essentially been running myself into the ground trying to please everyone with my work.  But the question remains, am I pleased?  Have I developed a voice; have I made a mark; do I influence people and make them think; these are the questions that swim laps in my head from the second I wake up to the second I sleep.  And then there’s the ultimate, why does it matter?  And the answer will be different, each and every day – but at the end of it all, there’s only one answer that matters: because I wanted it.

Another lesson I learned at a young age was if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all; I think that goes doubly for if you don’t have anything to say at all.  Don’t force it, don’t make yourself regurgitate words you didn’t want to swallow in the first place – don’t pick a topic that bores or snores you and don’t write if your heart isn’t involved; words tend to lose their meanings when so many get in the way.