I came into the office this morning with every intention of cracking down, getting my tea fix and doing the good ol’Excel plug-and-chug to get me through the day. On a personal level, for the last few weeks I’ve been suffering from the strangest writers block. I felt that I didn’t have intention, that I didn’t have a purpose of even an audience. Then, last night as I was getting into my journal to figure out my personal trajectory for 2014, I found myself thinking ‘What the hell is the point?’ I’ve felt like tapped out, under-performing, uninterested and overwhelmed; all in all, I was my own worst case scenario. My words were lackluster, my thoughts couldn’t be caught or collected with a net outfitted for a killer whale. My mother warned me about this when I was a kid – this idea of ‘wanting too much’ for myself; of spreading myself too thin and giving 75% to various pursuits when I could choose to give 100% to just a few. Pick your battles, she told me; but what if you want it all?
On on side of the coin -my paying job has given me one of the most visible accounts, and on the flip side I’ve been upgraded to a Journalist / Editor at The DJ List; add that all together and mix it up, and I’ve essentially been running myself into the ground trying to please everyone with my work. But the question remains, am I pleased? Have I developed a voice; have I made a mark; do I influence people and make them think; these are the questions that swim laps in my head from the second I wake up to the second I sleep. And then there’s the ultimate, why does it matter? And the answer will be different, each and every day – but at the end of it all, there’s only one answer that matters: because I wanted it.
Another lesson I learned at a young age was if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all; I think that goes doubly for if you don’t have anything to say at all. Don’t force it, don’t make yourself regurgitate words you didn’t want to swallow in the first place – don’t pick a topic that bores or snores you and don’t write if your heart isn’t involved; words tend to lose their meanings when so many get in the way.