Tag Archives: Thoughts

[Poetry] Who’s Me

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As a preface to this, I need to admit three things…the first is that I’m a closet poetry fanatic; I love E.E.Cummings and Dylan Thomas, Langston Hughes, Pablo Neruda and many many more on the traditional end – but I also have a penchant for lyrics a la Bob Dylan and word play in Rap and Hip Hop, and talented modern artists like Kendrick Lamar and Big Sean.  If you really think about it, it’s poetry over really fun music – a perfect synthesis of the senses.  Poetry plays with words like a kid plays with legos, deconstructing and reconstructing the world around us in the most unexpected and beautiful forms.  So, that’s number one.  Then, there’s two – from elementary school through High School, and some of college, I wrote poetry.  Finally, the third – and what I hate admitting – I haven’t written a poem in….at least five years.  Maybe even more.  This morning something, I’m still not sure what, hit me like a freight train carrying dictionaries and screamed at my psyche to write. So, I did.  And here it is.

—Who’s Me—
I would use a pseudonym just to be snarky,
Only want to go to Burning Man for the dope art pieces.
Window shop at Whole Foods, lost in my smart phone,
Google all the facts but I still play dumb.

My only addiction is to my addictions,
Numbing the line between love and pain.
Watch my ego grow season to season;
Down the rabbit hole I go again.

Put the pieces together but I’m still puzzled
Too humbled to admit when I’m in trouble
Mixed race in America living in a Bubble
Down on myself but I’ll keep charging uphill

Why do I always find myself when I’m lost,
Banking on hope and faith at any cost,
Fall down nine times, Spring back up ten
Conspiring with the universe to divine a master plan.

Love is light, but I’m walking around blinded,
Writing this in case anyone feels as I did:
A ball of anxiety with poor mental health,
Home is in my heart, but I keep running from myself

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[Oh, Snap] A Quiet Corvallis Morning

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I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms.
Henry David Thoreau, Walden: Or, Life in the Woods

In Los Angeles, and essentially anywhere in California, we’re subjected to a go-go-go mentality intermixed with a fast paced lifestyle. Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like we can fit a whole 24 hours in the day – zipping around from task to task, our heads are in the air and our feet rarely touch the ground; how many times have you wished for an extra minute here and there to smell the roses, or for the scenic way home.

Instead, we rush from one frame of mind to the next, often never even delving into our innermost complexities and questions in order to meet some imagined deadline.  We hurry in hushed tones, seeking approval before self acceptance, forgetting to kindle our inner fire before choosing to passionately  ignite the world around us.  Too often, we’re required to put ourselves last – to place our universe on life’s back burner while living up to standards we never agreed to, yet can’t avoid trying to live up to.

At those times, we need to let the world around us dissolve as we turn inwards to our hopes and dreams, wishes and desires. The external world doesn’t understand your emotional richness or personal passions; instead, we’re erroneously adhering to an apathetic formula where money and time are interlaced. The tangibility of having is deemed better than the effortlessness of giving and somehow,  presents have become more meaningful than presence.  With heightened access to social media, our haves become have-nots as we compare to contrast, stacking ourselves against the world in continued contempt.

Every once in a while, we need to be released from the societal shackles that made us believe we continually have more to prove to the universe and instead focus on what we can give to ourselves. The bustling and hustling of everyday life doesn’t allow us to fully marinate within the moment, allowing a full undulating understanding of our personal growth and maturation. Take a step back and see yourself from a birds eye view, sink into the full weight of a second, take it slowly and then take it twice.  It’s only within quiet moments of meditation that we’re able to truly evolve.

I’ve only been in Oregon for less than 36 hours but I already feel my muscles limbering from the top of my crown to the tips of my toes.  I’ve been awakened, reinvigorated, ready to take on the world while fanning my own flames. I feel myself growing, evolving, understanding my minutiae contrasted with the novel nuances in emotion.  In stark difference, of how I live in Los Angeles it’s quiet life, life surrounded by the whimsical wilderness of nature and the breathtaking beauty of Oregon’s lush landscape.  It’s simpler here, slower, calming and all sorts of cathartic. The weather has been blissfully blustery with a sprinkling of sunshine almost unprecedented here this time of year.  It’s a paradigm shift, and I’m curiously caught in mid-swing.




  

 

[Writer’s Block: Find Your Purpose]

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I came into the office this morning with every intention of cracking down, getting my tea fix and doing the good ol’Excel plug-and-chug to get me through the day.  On a personal level, for the last few weeks I’ve been suffering from the strangest writers block. I felt that I didn’t have intention, that I didn’t have a purpose of even an audience.  Then, last night as I was getting into my journal to figure out my personal trajectory for 2014, I found myself thinking ‘What the hell is the point?’  I’ve felt like tapped out, under-performing, uninterested and overwhelmed; all in all, I was my own worst case scenario. My words were lackluster, my thoughts couldn’t be caught or collected with a net outfitted for a killer whale.   My mother warned me about this when I was a kid – this idea of ‘wanting too much’ for myself; of spreading myself too thin and giving 75% to various pursuits when I could choose to give 100% to just a few.  Pick your battles, she told me; but what if you want it all?

On on side of the coin -my paying job has given me one of the most visible accounts, and on the flip side I’ve been upgraded to a Journalist / Editor at The DJ List; add that all together and mix it up, and I’ve essentially been running myself into the ground trying to please everyone with my work.  But the question remains, am I pleased?  Have I developed a voice; have I made a mark; do I influence people and make them think; these are the questions that swim laps in my head from the second I wake up to the second I sleep.  And then there’s the ultimate, why does it matter?  And the answer will be different, each and every day – but at the end of it all, there’s only one answer that matters: because I wanted it.

Another lesson I learned at a young age was if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all; I think that goes doubly for if you don’t have anything to say at all.  Don’t force it, don’t make yourself regurgitate words you didn’t want to swallow in the first place – don’t pick a topic that bores or snores you and don’t write if your heart isn’t involved; words tend to lose their meanings when so many get in the way.